Most of my troubles came my freshman year, first day of gym class.You see, my dick is, ah, a bit small--short if you will. Flaccid, that little sucker struggles hard to make two inches. Actually, an inch and a half would be more accurate. Erect, I cried when I couldn't quite make four inches. You can well imagine the cat calls, jibes, and hoots that garnered me. Shit, even the girls called me Shorty with a decided leer and then giggled themselves silly. They weren't thinking about my height either. Word got around real fast.So, the first three years of high school were an absolute horror for me. Feelings of inadequacy, self-doubt, fear of rejection, shyness, self loathing--you name it, kept me from ever dating. I had sexual feelings, strong ones, but they were never realized, at least with the opposite sex. I never knew when I was going to be shit on next or when. Talk about feeling castrated. Life was hell.At eighteen on my first day of my senior year, I was depressed and cringing. Vice President, we have had a break in the assassination attempt against you."It appears that a small group of Russian oil magnates hired the mercenaries that stormed the Naval Observatory. The surviving members of the team agree. The photo lineup we showed them was a winner, as both men instantly picked out Uri Kostanovich from the group of pictures and positively identified him as the bagman."Kostanovich is an underling of Mikhail Fridman. He owns an enormous amount of oil-rich land and is one of the richest men in Russia. But he is pinched financially by the precipitous drop in oil prices. Somehow, we think, Fridman blames President Thornton, and by extension, you, for the dangerously low price for a barrel of oil and thought that killing you might destabilize the oil market sufficiently for prices to recover."I can't tell you how we will proceed with this news, but we are throwing a blanket over Fridman. One possibility is to simply hand the information over to Putin and let him.
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